A blog of feeling ~ Is it Just Me?

Have you ever felt lonely when you're in a room full of people? there's just this empty pit that starts in your stomach and ends at your throat.


Leaving his house in the morning....Taking that walk of shame to your vehicle, wondering why you gave yourself up.


When you go to a guy's/girl's place that you really like. you feel like you can't breath, your fingers are shaking...no..fuck fingers...your entire body is trembling. You work up the balls to get to the door and by then you have all you can do to hold your breath so you don't embarrass yourself. Sometimes, you even laugh because it's the only way you can inhale without being obvious.


Have you ever pushed emotional and/or physical pain back so far that you felt nothing?


After telling a lie...does your stomach engulf itself and make you feel guilty and want to cry?


When the man/woman of your dreams talk to you or calls you do you ever get this uncontrollable feeling that literally shakes your soul out of the rut it's been in?


When nothing is wrong, have you ever tried making up a conflict with yourself so you have something to feel instead of nothing...

This is what started out as my version of Mr. Dynamite

Soccer game today in Buffalo. I once had an uncle that lived in Buffalo. He was so racist that after an hour of trying to have a decent conversation with him, my mom said it was time to go. I HATE GOODBYES! Even on the telephone, I won't hang up until the other end of the line does. My ex boyfriend sucked at goodbyes. I'd wake up in the morning to leave, no kiss goodbye, no have a good day babe . . . NOTHING. Nothing kind of describes his feelings for me. If he gave a shit whether I stayed or left maybe we'd still be together today. People that know me best say that i have the mindset of a guy. There aren't many thing I'll say about my future, but one is that I'll NEVER be married or have kids. How ridiculous is that? . . . having a kid is like popping a midget out of your vagina...who seriously wants to do that? Pap smears really suck. Don't you hate it when the gyno's doing their thing in your muchacha, all the while asking you how school is going. School is such a waste of time. If kids don't want to learn about something, they NEVER will. I mean seriously, most of the people I know only study to pass the test that they're about to take in ten minutes. The day after the test, they have no friggen clue what they supposedly just learned. I got to thinking about Alzheimer's disease the other day and my first thought was sure....that would really suck...but....wow...life would be more of an adventure if you couldn't remember anything. Everyday you'd be meeting new people, doing new things....it's like a drink from the fountain of youth...sort of...isn't that what childhood is like?

We're in Rochester right now. When I lived in Massena, my next door neighbor had a granddaughter named Stephanie who's parents were from Rochester. Whenever Steph would visit, I'd tell her ghost stories that would freak us both out.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? I don't know what to believe...when we die....is that the end? Do the lights go off and you're just gone? Imagine nothingness....you feel nothing...see nothing... Makes you sick to your stomach doesn't it? My boyfriend keeps texting me. I'm so afraid of commitment it's not even funny. What are your greatest fears? The Dark? Being Alone? Spiders? Death? Being WITH someone scares the FUCK out of me. I know the only reason I haven't broken it off with boyfriend is because this man is gorgeous. I bet you're just as shallow as me...but you may never admit it. I guess I lied about commitment...I'm committed to basketball...even when I'm trashed and can't walk that's all I want to do. My girlfriends and I pre-game and go out dancing at least once a week. Lately when I drink, I get PISSED! I'm angry all the time and it makes me mad.

She was the kind of woman who...

She was the kind of woman who wiped my ass when I was a baby
She was kind of the woman who kicked my ass when I came home from a party
She was the kind of woman who felt so much but never said a thing
She was the kind of woman who quit her job at Alcoa to spend time with her kids
Shewasthekindofwomanwhomarriedanabusivehusband&nevercalledthecops b/c itwasour father
She was the kind of woman who put us to bed and stayed up for hours studying and crying
She was the kind of woman who hated being pushed around but let it happen for years
She was the kind of woman who was always there
She was the kind of woman that made us go to church whether or not we were on time
She was the kind of woman who loved to blast the radio & sing in the car with the windows down
She was the kind of woman who got into a fight with her mom and now they won't speak
She was the kind of woman who paid for everything and never anything for herself
She was the kind of woman who pretended to be so strong when everything was...

F
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: : : :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :N
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The Walk

"Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cause you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on

Alright then I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yea,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you're as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don't make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not mean tot be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault

Big trouble losing control
Primary resistance at a criticle low,
on the double gotta ge tahold,
Point of no return one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they've got control,
There's no way out, we are surrounded
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it

Freeze, awake here forever, I feel a weakness coming on

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it's nto meant to be like this, it's just what I don't need,
Why make me feel like this, it's definitely all your fault."


This isn't the video I was looking for...but at least it's the song...

Another one from Imogen Heap.

My thoughts:

I think many of us have been in this sort of position. When a friendship with someone starts to become more than we think it should be. This character is blaming the guy/girl for making them feel this way. The song indicates that the main character could possibly have a boyfriend/girlfriend already, and that's why it shouldn't be like that.

Definitely comment your thoughts about these songs, I might write more when it's not 2:40am

Hide and Seek

I am completely in love with the group Imogen Heap. These lyrics I especially find genius!

"Where are we?
what the hell is going on?
the dust has only begun to fall
crop circles in the carpet
sinking feeling

spin me round again
and rub my eyes,
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads - heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines
all those years
they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasure moment hung before the takeover,
the sweeping insensitivity of this still life

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines (oh, you won't catch me around here)
blood and tears (hearts)
they were here first

Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whacha say,
Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm wathca say?
Mmmm that it's just what we need
you decided this
Mmmm whacha say?
Mmmm what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit

(hide and seek)
speak no feeling no I don't believe you
you don't care a bit,
you don't care a bit"






I'm sure there are many interpretations of what these lyrics could potentially mean, but here's my try at it.

I believe the overall song is speaking of a relationship ending. "Crop Circles in the Carpet" could be a sign of furniture that belonged to one of the people in the relationship who moved out. My favorite line would have to be "oily marks appear on walls where pleasure moments hung before the takeover" This may be completely off, but when I think of oily marks, I think of finger marks on the the walls from a passionate sexual encounter.
Trains: again; someone from the relationship moving away on a train perhaps?


Alright, well it's almost 1:30am; and my brain is fried. This song came on during random play on my computer and I had to get it all out.

Boiled Baby Guppies

I hit the brakes and all I saw were tons of fish flying at my windshield. It was a hot summer day and as I stepped out of my car, I saw that the road was filled with what seemed like boiled baby guppies. They were literally cooking in the middle of the road. All of a sudden, millions of little orphans and homeless people started springting to the road side and scraping the fish off the road. The driver came out screaming at the people not to eat his fish. I started walked towards the truck and felt a sharp pain run up my foot and leg. I looked down and realized I had stepped on a piece of fish tank glass and shards were everywhere.

ME

#2

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/IMA/r135~Expose-Yourself-to-Art-Posters.jpg

This photo/poster is completely hilarious. I believe that sometimes people do take art too seriously. Artists create things partly to entertain you. Sure, it's great to really examine a piece of art and get into the "nitty gritty" details; but once in a while, take it at first glance and enjoy yourself.

#1

http://youtube.com/watch?v=l7G0ENIwIpg

I feel like this youtube is very simlar to the youtube of the airbrushed woman we watched in class today. Society and the media make many girls, boys, women and men feel as though they are inadequate and could never size up to what we see on television or in magazines. Women feel as though they should be 100lbs because the media makes that seem beautiful. Men feel as though they should all be built up like superman because the stronger they are, the more masculine they feel they appear. Although I also am insecure and feel like I should be more like the women portrayed on mtv and what-not, I know men and women that feel like the skinny women on television are so skinny that it makes then less attractive. I've also come across friends of mine that think too much muscle is very unattractive. So when it comes down to it, beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, and people shouldn't worry so much about what others think about them and just focus on what really makes them happy.